The Nits of Society

This phenomenon is something that I previously thought only happened in other countries...

You read all about them in the foreign news, on the Internet. I am talking about the new evil that is taking over our society, not Rock and Roll, not role playing games, not even underage drinking or premarital sex, not even Marylin Manson. I am - as you may have guessed - talking about cold callers - people who call around uninvited to your house, or ring you on the phone - even send things in the post, and try their hardest to sell you something you don't want.

With this 'blog (shudder) entry, I hope to help people not to buy rubbish that they don't want and only later realise how they wasted their money and time.

Now there are three kinds, two of which are forgivable.

Religious callers: When I lived in the multi-cultural centre of Limerick - Dooradoyle - I was strangely called upon to listen to all sorts of cults - mostly The Church Of Jesus And Latter Day Saints. (For some reason these were all American... or maybe Canadian?) Also, one couple who just wanted to talk about Jesus. This is the first one of the forgivable kind.

They tell you who they are when they call, and take no for an answer. Besides they are just doing it because their God will punish them if they don't. They're trying to save my soul - as far as they're concerned it's akin to warning a blind man to walk a different way lest he fall off that cliff in front of them.

Charity callers: The second forgivable kind. I mean, yes they do try to sell you things you don't want, but isn't that what charity is all about? Buying something not for the wish of getting the thing, but for the wish of helping those who the charity is for. How else could you explain the astounding success of the "Band Aid 2000" song (or was it 2020? Who cares)

The third are people who it's hard to think of a non-derogaratory (sp?) term for... I think the P.C. one is "The uninvited sect of the followers of the salesperson tradition". These people aren't trying to help a better cause, they won't take no for an answer and they won't tell you who they are until you've listened to them.

Now most Irish people find it quite hard to be rude to other people - at least other Irish people (non-wealthy foreigners here may disagree) We are an unassertive lot and prefer to be nice to these people who call to the door. "Ah sure he was a sound fellah" is the prevailing attitude. Maybe we are wisening up now, but presumably not enough. This sales technique is still being used, so it must work, and our good natures are being taken advantage of.

Unfortunately the only way to get rid of these people is to be rude and slam the door in their face.

Allow me to go through an example. This will give me an opportunity to illustrate the devious underhanded tactics used by these people. After answering the phone one day,

Step 1: I was asked if I would be interested in an "opportunity". Actually no. What I was actually asked was if I had a brief moment to listen to it. Already you can spot the first tactic. A "brief" moment we can all spare unless we are on the verge of rushing out the door. So I agreed to listen.

Step 2: The girl on the phone spent the next 2 or 3 minutes explaining to me in a single continuous sentence this great deal whereby I would get "Gold" membership (wow! real gold?) of the Castletroy Park hotel. I tuned out for quite a bit of it (she let herself down here, but don't worry she reminded me), but the bits I remember were discounts on the following things: The Golf course, booking rooms, the leisure centre. Also the restaurant gave a deal whereby if you eat there the cheapest one of your party eats for free (and no you can't go on your own to just get a free dinner, smartarse, there has to be at least 2). She mentioned a 40-euro meal which while admittedly the food is nice there, but... 40 euros?

Anyway, during this time I wasn't allowed to interrupt, except to answer the question about whether I'd ever eaten in the restaurant. (I told her I hadn't, forgetting that I once did, and she told me how beautiful the meals are).

Can you see the trickery here? Not allowing one to interrupt, asking them questions that would get them interested.... The deviousness...

Step 3. She told me the price: €190 for the year. Then she asked me - not if I was
interested - but whether there was anything there which interested me. But you can spot the tactic... If she had asked was I interested, I would just have said something like, "Not really, sorry", but she would get me thinking about the different aspects, and admittedly some of them may have sounded good enough.

In reality there wasn't really. But I told her I don't play golf, I already had a membership of another gym (a lie, but if I wanted one I'd get it cheap & with a 50m pool), and that I lived nearby so I'd never book a room. The only thing I could avail of would be the meals, and €190 seemed a bit expensive for this.

Step 4. But she protested, going on about how I would be able to get special deals on conference rooms (she was calling me at work), and mentioned the golf again (forgetting what I'd already told her). I grumbled - because I actually felt sorry for her kind of (that has changed nowadays as you will read), as she was quite nice and had by now had figured out my demeanour (kind of easy going to the point of laziness) and so was well able to build up a rapport with me. Had she been chatting me up she would have pulled by now, but no she was trying to make me waste my money which is a different story altogether. I honestly didn't want to say "No". She must have detected I didn't want to sign up because she then asked me if anyone else in the office might be interested.

Step 5. So I agreed to call her back if anyone was - but no that wasn't enough - *She* had to call *me* back. She asked me what time would be good the next day, and I said any time after 11:30 am. So I thought I'd have time to get my speech about how I wasn't interested together... OK, so I'd save €40 per meal (!) in a place where I only ever ate once in a lifetime. To break even I would have to eat there at least 5 times a year - to make a profit, at least 6 times... To make a profit worth speaking of, quite a bit more.

As if to preempt this preperation, she rang at 10:30! Unfortunately, someone else picked up (it wasn't exactly my phone - but that's another story) and said, yes I was indeed there so I had to take the call. She gave a little small talk, how was I doing, the weather was nice etc. (possibly to break me back in after my day of freedom) and then asked cheerily, "So, can we sign you up?" (we?). The devious tricks should be obvious here, a less committed person may have been fooled by her nice personality, just agree to do it just for peace and quiet, but I realised that she was forcing my hand.

Step 6. I told her I had thought about it and didn't want to be signed up. She sounded positively dejected, reiterated that surely there must have been something I was interested in. I felt lousy doing so, but I told her that there was no way I would spend enough in a year to make it worth my while, and she then continued to talk about golf courses, rooms, conference rooms, etc.

Conclusion. I basically ignored her protests much like a parent who has to "be cruel to be kind" and ignore the crying of a child who doesn't like being disciplined. Heart-breaking but it has to be done. I repeated that it wouldn't be worth it and I apologised for wasting her time and she replied, "That's OK", and the call ended.

Now you might argue that at any point I could have just told her where to shove her gold member (ship), but for that I would need *disciplined mind*, i.e. what I had on the second day, not the easy-going-to-the-point-of-laziness-ahh-she's-so-nice unnassertive mind I had on the first day. You could argue that there was nothing immoral about it, she could never force me to buy the thing, but I could just as easily argue that if she convinced me despite all the hints I gave that I didn't want it, she would be knowingly selling me a thing she knew I didn't want. You see she *had* a disciplined mind the whole time.

This form of salespersonship is exactly like the "Jedi Mind Trick". Works great against cigarette-addicts and poor guards who have spent the whole day in the desert heat trapped inside plastic armour, but useless against a disciplined mind. But you don't see any Jedi going around using it to sell gold memberships to local hotels with the argument that if anyone concentrated enough they could easily refuse.

But the reason I write this post is to maybe help others who may be caught unawares and give them the key to not buying off these people. The problem she faced with me was not that I didn't want it - that fact was totally irrelevant - it was that I *knew* I didn't want it.

So my first lesson on not buying crap you don't want is as follows:

1) Once you receive the call, put your mind into concentration mode. When you hear the offer, make a definite descision about whether you want it. If you don't want it, KNOW THAT YOU DON'T WANT IT. Also keep in mind, they called you, rather than just advertising on telly or the paper or something - how good could this offer be?

2) When they ask leading questions, keep in mind the whether-you-want-it-or-not. The first leading question is an opportunity to change the subject and explain you don't want it.

3) There is NO NEED to feel sorry for them! The mistake I almost made! They are not "Just being nice", they are being nice so you'll buy the bloody thing!

Why did I title this thing "The Nits of Society"? Because, with nits, no amount of scratching (hinting that you don't want them) will get rid of them, you have to go the whole hog and wash that smelly stuff into your hair. In the same way with members of the salesperson tradition, no amount of hinting will get rid of them.

But finally let me just say that she was the most acceptable of the four examples I am going to give. Tune in next time for another story and another lesson, wherein I get more and more pissed off with cold callers... It won't be as long though.