How to win any pub argument in 3 easy steps.

I read this in an email years ago, so I'll share these tips with you loyal readers... I don't have the email any more so really I'm typing from memory.

Here are three infallible tips on how to win any pub/dinner-party/fag-break/social-gathering argument, no matter how radical your claims. Use them wisely and sparingly (lest someone cop on), this should also arm you to counter others who try and use these techniques.

1) Make up quotes and statistics. Invent papers or journals written by fictional writers which "prove" your point. You're in a pub, no one's going to check them out, and if they get a chance later, you can berate them for going on too much about what was just a pub argument. Things like "85% of doctors say that passive-smoking is only harmful in enclosed areas smaller than 3 cubic metres per lighted cigarette" or "According to a government funded report by Dr. Cornelius Kelly, drink driving only contributes to 5% of car accidents - over 30% are caused by panic because of the fact that there are some situations not covered by a driving test".

2) Use clichées and old proven axioms - if some of what you say is true it must be all true, things like, "You can't compare apples and oranges" or "Where there's smoke, there's fire". No one can argue with that. This is an old technique used by advertisers, it has the effect of making the listener think, "Yes, it's true, where there's smoke, there is fire. Therefore the Guildford Four must have been guilty".

3) When all else fails, when every avenue of logic and rationality has been taken from you, when your opponents are about to land the coup de grace and you have no other choice, you have one trump left: the Nazi card. "Didn't the Nazis propose something similar in 1938?" or "That sounds like something Hitler would say". In fact with a little research into the Nazis and Hitler you'd be amazed at the application of this tool.