The Wasps

Insects are often just pests, causing sometimes discomfort and often annoyance. However, some of them do actually sting. It's the same with scumbags, or uninvited salespeople as they prefer to be called.

However, like the wasp they sometimes just sting and leave. Strangely this next fellow is my favourite example of a door-to-door salesperson. The following tale didn't happen to me, but rather my sister. This is the pushy-to-the-point-of-offensive fellow. Unlike the previously mentioned ones you don't feel sorry for him, and feel no guilt in telling him to smeg off.

This guy called around to the house, selling vouchers for what is admittedly a rather nice pub/restaurant in Limerick called The Bank. At least the pub is nice, I've never eaten in the restaurant part.

Anyway, already you will see the first flaw in this guy's situation. Selling vouchers? He wanted €20 for a voucher which gave you a discount in The Bank restaurant. Maybe the voucher entitled you to more than €20 worth of food, I don't know - but vouchers are supposed to be either a) something you get free by buying another product during some kind of promotion or b) something you buy when you can't think of a real present for someone. In any case it's the first time I've heard of someone selling vouchers door-to-door to dine in a restaurant. They mustn't have been doing very well.

Anyway, my sister replied with the usual excuse, Sorry I don't have €20 on me.
At this point, he replied, "What, surely you must have €20 somewhere in the house!". She held her ground and insisted that she didn't have it, and he continued to press, "are you honestly trying to tell me that you don't have €20?", etc. She may have had the money but it was obviously needed for more important things and she eventually managed to fight him out. (I dread to think that if she had the money to spare she may have been tempted to pay the man just to get rid of him - a common tactic used by these people).

Anyway, surely it's obvious to you now the cheek of this fellow - calling my sister a liar, combined with prying into her business. I can't imagine it's an advised sales method to insult the potential buyer, and he had to leave with one more voucher than he wanted.

I don't think I'd ever get into this situation because I'd probably just say "No thanks" from the outset, but I think I will answer that I don't have it on me the next time as I'd like to see the conversation going like a well-played game of chess, as follows.

Him: "Come on, you must have €20 in the house somewhere."
Me: "Didn't you hear what I just said? Why would I lie about it?"
Him: "To get rid of me?"
Me: "Why would I want to get rid of you if I wanted to buy the thing?"
Him: "Er... because you don't want to buy it?"
Me:

If any readers has any good ideas of how the sales person could manouvre themselves out of that a bit better than my ideal situation above, please please post.

The Earwigs of Society

If you haven't read this yet, you should read "The Nits of Society" below first.

In continuation with the insectoid analogy, I bring you to the next in my vaguely diverting adventures of the dreaded cold caller. While nits are annoying when they get into your hair, and difficult to remove short of washing your hair in this really smelly liquid, they are a mere inconvenience. They at least have the good nature to stay on the surface of your body.

Now as I said before, this is a problem we all may have encountered, the aim here is not to shock but to analyse and for the unsuspecting mind to learn. And I promise this one is shorter.

So allow me to introduce the next. I was on a day off (actually I was out of work for a month) when I heard a knock at the door while in the middle of watching a film. I can't remember why, but for some reason I was delayed in answering the door. By the time I got to the door he was about to leave, but he came back, seeing me open it.

He was a well dressed fellow in a suit, about my own age (mid twenties) and carrying a folder in his hand. He did the usual - ask if I had a brief moment to listen to a possible opportunity. A trick question, as we learned from the last one, the unsuspecting mind will probably have a brief moment.

At this point I asked him what was it about. All he would tell me was that this was an offer and that he could either spend twenty minutes on the doorstep explaining it or I could let him show me in just two minutes, sat in front of the table.

Now at this point let me explain that I'm not just some guy who lets just anyone into my house because I'm hoping of an exciting new offer. Of course I saw through his logic that it could take 20 mins on a doorstep or 2 on a table. But we'll revisit that later. I was more interested in how he would pitch it to me so I let him in. Still probably against my better judgement, he could have been a peamh trying to check out the contents & layout of my house, albeit a well-dressed and well-spoken one.

Anyway, while he showed me through his folder full of details about this great offer, he refused to use the word "Insurance" to describe it (though he did ask if I had Bupa or VHI, which I did), but that's basically what it was - incapacitation insurance - if you find yourself out of work due to injury, you get cash settlements from them.

Now first allow me cite my distrust of insurance companies. I refuse to get insurance unless I have to (car insurance is a legal requirement, as for health insurance, I got it free from my company paid up to the end of 2005). There are the following reasons:

1) In my experience, and in the experience of people I've talked to, excepting car insurance where they have to, it is extremely difficult to get insurance companies to pay out. They sign you up with great promises about how they will save you in case of a little mishap, but when it comes down to it, they say, "No that was just a little mishap, now smeg off." It's supposed to cover accidents, but if it was an accident it was probably your fault is the way they see it. Ever try to get mobile phone insurance to pay up after you lost it or dropped it in water or something? It's impossible.
They don't help with life's little mishaps. You practically have to have been beaten unconscious by armed mobile-phone-robbing lahtchies trained in multiple forms of martial arts, and left unconscious bleeding to death, have an authenticated video recording of the attacks, and then make a report to the guards before you wake up before they'll even stop laughing at you for being so stupid as to buy their insurance.

2) Insurance is a form of gambling. You are betting that you'll have an accident that will keep you out of work, and the odds are stocked against you, otherwise this fellow wouldn't be working for a company that was actually in business.

This fellow hadn't much of a hope of selling this to me. He was good at getting his foot in the door, but that's as far as he got. I don't know if it was his poor technique or just his crappy product, but at the end, he asked is that something I would be interested in, which we learned from the previous post, gave me the opportunity to say, "No thanks". In any case, I'm sure my preconceived prejudices against insurance did much to destroy his case.

But quickly, the lesson we've learned from this is really just:

1) If you don't want to let him in, but he insists that he has to come in to explain it quicker or properly, think about the following
a) It's flawed logic. Anything he can explain sitting down, he can explain at the same speed (though maybe not as thoroughly) standing up.
b) If the product is really that good, a quick 30-second explanation should be enough to let you decide whether you want it.

And remember: Don't make excuses! They know every excuse you can think of and have a stock reply for it. Surely he didn't just think of that one about it taking longer to explain on the doorstep up straight away off the top of his head.

The Nits of Society

This phenomenon is something that I previously thought only happened in other countries...

You read all about them in the foreign news, on the Internet. I am talking about the new evil that is taking over our society, not Rock and Roll, not role playing games, not even underage drinking or premarital sex, not even Marylin Manson. I am - as you may have guessed - talking about cold callers - people who call around uninvited to your house, or ring you on the phone - even send things in the post, and try their hardest to sell you something you don't want.

With this 'blog (shudder) entry, I hope to help people not to buy rubbish that they don't want and only later realise how they wasted their money and time.

Now there are three kinds, two of which are forgivable.

Religious callers: When I lived in the multi-cultural centre of Limerick - Dooradoyle - I was strangely called upon to listen to all sorts of cults - mostly The Church Of Jesus And Latter Day Saints. (For some reason these were all American... or maybe Canadian?) Also, one couple who just wanted to talk about Jesus. This is the first one of the forgivable kind.

They tell you who they are when they call, and take no for an answer. Besides they are just doing it because their God will punish them if they don't. They're trying to save my soul - as far as they're concerned it's akin to warning a blind man to walk a different way lest he fall off that cliff in front of them.

Charity callers: The second forgivable kind. I mean, yes they do try to sell you things you don't want, but isn't that what charity is all about? Buying something not for the wish of getting the thing, but for the wish of helping those who the charity is for. How else could you explain the astounding success of the "Band Aid 2000" song (or was it 2020? Who cares)

The third are people who it's hard to think of a non-derogaratory (sp?) term for... I think the P.C. one is "The uninvited sect of the followers of the salesperson tradition". These people aren't trying to help a better cause, they won't take no for an answer and they won't tell you who they are until you've listened to them.

Now most Irish people find it quite hard to be rude to other people - at least other Irish people (non-wealthy foreigners here may disagree) We are an unassertive lot and prefer to be nice to these people who call to the door. "Ah sure he was a sound fellah" is the prevailing attitude. Maybe we are wisening up now, but presumably not enough. This sales technique is still being used, so it must work, and our good natures are being taken advantage of.

Unfortunately the only way to get rid of these people is to be rude and slam the door in their face.

Allow me to go through an example. This will give me an opportunity to illustrate the devious underhanded tactics used by these people. After answering the phone one day,

Step 1: I was asked if I would be interested in an "opportunity". Actually no. What I was actually asked was if I had a brief moment to listen to it. Already you can spot the first tactic. A "brief" moment we can all spare unless we are on the verge of rushing out the door. So I agreed to listen.

Step 2: The girl on the phone spent the next 2 or 3 minutes explaining to me in a single continuous sentence this great deal whereby I would get "Gold" membership (wow! real gold?) of the Castletroy Park hotel. I tuned out for quite a bit of it (she let herself down here, but don't worry she reminded me), but the bits I remember were discounts on the following things: The Golf course, booking rooms, the leisure centre. Also the restaurant gave a deal whereby if you eat there the cheapest one of your party eats for free (and no you can't go on your own to just get a free dinner, smartarse, there has to be at least 2). She mentioned a 40-euro meal which while admittedly the food is nice there, but... 40 euros?

Anyway, during this time I wasn't allowed to interrupt, except to answer the question about whether I'd ever eaten in the restaurant. (I told her I hadn't, forgetting that I once did, and she told me how beautiful the meals are).

Can you see the trickery here? Not allowing one to interrupt, asking them questions that would get them interested.... The deviousness...

Step 3. She told me the price: €190 for the year. Then she asked me - not if I was
interested - but whether there was anything there which interested me. But you can spot the tactic... If she had asked was I interested, I would just have said something like, "Not really, sorry", but she would get me thinking about the different aspects, and admittedly some of them may have sounded good enough.

In reality there wasn't really. But I told her I don't play golf, I already had a membership of another gym (a lie, but if I wanted one I'd get it cheap & with a 50m pool), and that I lived nearby so I'd never book a room. The only thing I could avail of would be the meals, and €190 seemed a bit expensive for this.

Step 4. But she protested, going on about how I would be able to get special deals on conference rooms (she was calling me at work), and mentioned the golf again (forgetting what I'd already told her). I grumbled - because I actually felt sorry for her kind of (that has changed nowadays as you will read), as she was quite nice and had by now had figured out my demeanour (kind of easy going to the point of laziness) and so was well able to build up a rapport with me. Had she been chatting me up she would have pulled by now, but no she was trying to make me waste my money which is a different story altogether. I honestly didn't want to say "No". She must have detected I didn't want to sign up because she then asked me if anyone else in the office might be interested.

Step 5. So I agreed to call her back if anyone was - but no that wasn't enough - *She* had to call *me* back. She asked me what time would be good the next day, and I said any time after 11:30 am. So I thought I'd have time to get my speech about how I wasn't interested together... OK, so I'd save €40 per meal (!) in a place where I only ever ate once in a lifetime. To break even I would have to eat there at least 5 times a year - to make a profit, at least 6 times... To make a profit worth speaking of, quite a bit more.

As if to preempt this preperation, she rang at 10:30! Unfortunately, someone else picked up (it wasn't exactly my phone - but that's another story) and said, yes I was indeed there so I had to take the call. She gave a little small talk, how was I doing, the weather was nice etc. (possibly to break me back in after my day of freedom) and then asked cheerily, "So, can we sign you up?" (we?). The devious tricks should be obvious here, a less committed person may have been fooled by her nice personality, just agree to do it just for peace and quiet, but I realised that she was forcing my hand.

Step 6. I told her I had thought about it and didn't want to be signed up. She sounded positively dejected, reiterated that surely there must have been something I was interested in. I felt lousy doing so, but I told her that there was no way I would spend enough in a year to make it worth my while, and she then continued to talk about golf courses, rooms, conference rooms, etc.

Conclusion. I basically ignored her protests much like a parent who has to "be cruel to be kind" and ignore the crying of a child who doesn't like being disciplined. Heart-breaking but it has to be done. I repeated that it wouldn't be worth it and I apologised for wasting her time and she replied, "That's OK", and the call ended.

Now you might argue that at any point I could have just told her where to shove her gold member (ship), but for that I would need *disciplined mind*, i.e. what I had on the second day, not the easy-going-to-the-point-of-laziness-ahh-she's-so-nice unnassertive mind I had on the first day. You could argue that there was nothing immoral about it, she could never force me to buy the thing, but I could just as easily argue that if she convinced me despite all the hints I gave that I didn't want it, she would be knowingly selling me a thing she knew I didn't want. You see she *had* a disciplined mind the whole time.

This form of salespersonship is exactly like the "Jedi Mind Trick". Works great against cigarette-addicts and poor guards who have spent the whole day in the desert heat trapped inside plastic armour, but useless against a disciplined mind. But you don't see any Jedi going around using it to sell gold memberships to local hotels with the argument that if anyone concentrated enough they could easily refuse.

But the reason I write this post is to maybe help others who may be caught unawares and give them the key to not buying off these people. The problem she faced with me was not that I didn't want it - that fact was totally irrelevant - it was that I *knew* I didn't want it.

So my first lesson on not buying crap you don't want is as follows:

1) Once you receive the call, put your mind into concentration mode. When you hear the offer, make a definite descision about whether you want it. If you don't want it, KNOW THAT YOU DON'T WANT IT. Also keep in mind, they called you, rather than just advertising on telly or the paper or something - how good could this offer be?

2) When they ask leading questions, keep in mind the whether-you-want-it-or-not. The first leading question is an opportunity to change the subject and explain you don't want it.

3) There is NO NEED to feel sorry for them! The mistake I almost made! They are not "Just being nice", they are being nice so you'll buy the bloody thing!

Why did I title this thing "The Nits of Society"? Because, with nits, no amount of scratching (hinting that you don't want them) will get rid of them, you have to go the whole hog and wash that smelly stuff into your hair. In the same way with members of the salesperson tradition, no amount of hinting will get rid of them.

But finally let me just say that she was the most acceptable of the four examples I am going to give. Tune in next time for another story and another lesson, wherein I get more and more pissed off with cold callers... It won't be as long though.

My Kingdom for a decent Micro$oft application!!!

This time last friday I had typed out a huge rant... but at the same time I was installing Windows NT service Pack 6 on my computer (yeah I use Windows NT, big whoop, whatcha gonna do about it?)

At the end of the installation, the thing says, "You will have to restart your computer for the changes to take effect" and a button saying "OK"... So I assumed I could press OK and then later restart my computer to take advantage of the SP6 thing. I thought, yes I acknowledge I have to restart my computer for the changes to take effect, I'll do it later.

BUT IT DOESN'T TELL YOU PRESSING OK ACTUALLY DOES THE RESTARTING OF THE COMPUTER! >:(

Opera having no "Save everything you just typed" feature upon being closed, disappeared and my multi-page message was gone. AARRGHH! It's like that mouse with the plunger all over again...

Why couldn't it have said "Pressing OK restarts your computer" or something simple like that? Maybe offered a "Cancel" button or something...

So all I typed is gone. But Bill Gates is still rich. Where is the justice?

Psychic or Terrorist?

I have heard about a psychic in Cork (Ireland) predicting that the next attack on America will occur on the 8th of April - This Friday coming... This is the first psychic prediction I've heard where I heard about it *before* the event. Though granted the info is still 3rd hand to me (4th hand to you readers)... If it does occur, then psychicness really exists, or she's a terrorist, or it was a lucky guess....